Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone...

This is the worst Mother's Day ever...as I sit here staring at this screen waiting for my thoughts to come together cohesively, I feel like crying. I have a headache, I didn't get much sleep last night, it's 1:44 p.m. and I am still in dirty pajamas. The last 24 hours haven't gone exactly like one might wish for a lovely Mother's Day. My home is damaged, my children are sick and my emotions feel a tad fragile. BUT...the sun is shining, and after all the cold, and rain and it's-never-gonna-end winter we've had, I am ecstatic for that one small tender mercy...and, actually, as I cling to that one grateful note today, I am bombarded by so many other things to be grateful for...
So, despite the fact that I am so behind on this blog I just want to ignore it forever, I didn't want to let this day go by without expressing my thoughts on MOTHERHOOD. Here I go...

I didn't understand what it meant to become a mom. I'm pretty sure no one does. But it has been everything I thought, and so much more I didn't think about enough. Serious joy, serious frustration, serious purpose and serious feeling myself spinning out of control at times. Would I change the decision? Not ever....not for one second. All I have to do is think back to the moment I became a mother, and I melt. And as we sat amidst a semi-destroyed home this morning, I couldn't stop the tears as my children each handed me their incredibly sweet, so very individual, tug-at-your-heart-like-nothing-else handmade cards and treasures. I love these little people with an emotion I don't even like to ponder because it's anchored somewhere in my soul so intensely, I can hardly touch. Maybe that's because I'm ultimately afraid I will fail them, I will not be what they needed me to be. But maybe it's just because I came from a mother and father in another place and time who instilled in me the eventual ability to love without condition and mortal comprehension...that someday, I WILL be that mother upon whom the Lord relied to raise these children to walk in His footsteps. And I continue to work, continue to falter, continue to try...for that someday...
I, too, think about my own earthly mother. She is a woman of incredible faith. She BELIEVES in prayer, in fasting, in placing one's trust and burden's on the Lord. She has spent her life testifying to me of her belief in the gospel of Jesus Christ through her actions and example. I have no doubt where she stands...I never have. Perhaps the most important thing she gave while raising me, was a belief that I AM a special daughter...that I have an important purpose and abilities that are inherently unique to me and that it is my mission to figure out how to live my life to the best of my ability. Mom is tough. She is strong...physically, mentally...she is the Energizer Bunny--she just keeps going, and going, and going...and that truly inspires me. When I want to give up, when things are tough, I think of my mom and know that she would find the positive, she would shake off the shackles and move on. In the last several years, she has proven to hundreds that she is a visionary, that she is not afraid of the possibility of failure or of a risky challenge offering great reward...

At times, I have struggled with the evolution of my mom...I find myself reminiscing of the days when I would come home from school and she had a massive sweet-roll snake rolled out on the bar and was popping them out of the oven as fast as we could consume them. Or of her spending hours in her sewing room creating a frilly dress for me to wear for Easter. I have so very many of these memories and they are dear to my heart. It has been hard for me to grow up...and to let HER grow up too. But I realize that she, also, has a purpose...a mission to fulfill. She spent a large portion of her life sacrificing, scrimping, loving, and working with not just me, but five of my most loved people on the planet. And she continues to juggle all of our wants and needs--often at the expense of her own increase and sanity! And, for that, I dearly love her and am eternally grateful. The further I continue on my own journey through motherhood, the more empathy I have for my own mother, for my grandmother, for the incredible heritage of women I come from who took the same path. It's not easy. That sounds so cliche, but it really is hard. And it really is the best thing I could have done with my life. And I feel so blessed with that knowledge...
So, to: Mom, Grandma, Kathy, Stacey, Melinda, Lindsay, Brenda, Bonna, Amanda, and Jessica (all the moms who impact my life on a daily basis), as well as to all of those who have touched my heart over the years, I want you to know that this little sassy girl in Utah loves you, misses many of you and wishes you (and me) a Happy Mother's Day and says: cling to today's sunlight...it surely forecasts of many more good things to come....